I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
