We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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