Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
