So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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