i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
