I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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