Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
