So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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