what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
