Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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