The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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