last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
