so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
