she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize