my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Randomize