I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
