call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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