Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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