I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
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