I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
