Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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