New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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