Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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