Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize