just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
