i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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