So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
