Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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