Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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