so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
