Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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