Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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