Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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