I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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