Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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