I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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