so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
