i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
