planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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