you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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