literally had 100 drinks last night.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
