im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
