there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
