Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
