The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize