Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
