I need help removing her.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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