Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
