Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
