I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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