I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
