I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
