I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
