come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
