Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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