Define "chronic" masturbator.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
