I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
