I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize