What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
